We’ve been talking about how God wants to transform our thinking and develop a deeper more intimate connection with us. God is a personal God and relational being who describes Himself in relational terms like Father, Husband, Friend.
God not only wants us to benefit from a personal relationship with Him but also with people.
Relational connections trigger joy in the brain. Knowing someone is happy to see me gives me releases Dopamine. Knowing we are loved and developing close relationships is critical to a healthy life both mentally and spiritually.
We all know love is not easy. Sometimes it is challenging and it takes work.
A couple was sharing a bottle of wine. The wife says, “I love you”. The husband asks, “Is that you talking or the wine?” She said, “that is me talking to the wine.”
Yes, relationships are hard but necessary.
For love is supreme and must flow through each of these virtues. Love becomes the mark of true maturity. Col. 3:14 TPT
Unfortunately, we get wounded, and then we just want to avoid relationships and not risk getting hurt. Some hold onto the pain of rejection their entire life.
Most people don’t discover the value of their relationships until they are old.
A recent survey of millennials asked about their goals in life. 80% said their major life goal was to get rich. Another 50% said another major life goal was to become famous.
What could we learn from studying one group of people over their lifetime? The Harvard Study on Human Development. 75 years study of 724 men since 1938. Robert Waldinger, now the 4th director of the study, shared its impact in a TED Talk called, “What Makes A Good Life.”
60 of the original 724 men are still alive in their 90’s and they are now studying 2,000 of their children. Two groups of young men were chosen for the study. The first group started at Harvard in WWII. The second group of boys from Boston’s poorest neighborhoods. They were interviewed and went through medical and mental health testing every two years.
What are the lessons from thousands of pages of data they collected from this 75 years study?
KEY FINDING: “Good relationships keep us happy and healthier”.
SPECIFICALLY:
- Social disconnections and loneliness kill. Those who are socially connected are happier, physically healthier and they live longer.
- Loneliness is toxic. Less happy, health declines, brain function slows.
- Church is so valuable to the lonely, they just need you to invite them.
- The quality of your close relationships matters.
- So most of your 2,000 Facebook friends don’t count.
- The people most satisfied in their relationships at 50 were the healthiest at 80.
- Good relationships don’t just protect our bodies but also our brains. When we have someone we can count on we stay healthier.
Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. Eccl. 4:9 NLT
How do we build those kinds of relationships? Especially with imperfect people who we risk hurting us.
Jesus and Peter’s relationship is a good example of how to stay relational even through crisis and disappointment. Yes, even Jesus had relational conflicts, betrayal, and abandonment.
Jesus understands the pain you’re going through. He has been there, feeling alone.
Let’s look at just a few key moments in Jesus and Peter’s relationship.
Jesus asks his disciples, who do you think I am?
Peter answers, “you are the Messiah, the Son of God.”
- Peter gets this by revelation.
Jesus replied, “You are favored and privileged Simeon, son of Jonah! For you didn’t discover this on your own, but my Father in heaven has supernaturally revealed it to you. Matt. 16:17 TPT
Notice Jesus uses Peter’s Hebrew name Simon or Simeon which means, “he who hears”.
Now that Peter has expressed this truth and the disciples start to grasp the full truth of who Jesus really is. Jesus shares about his mission as a sacrifice for sins and tells them he must go to Jerusalem and suffer and die.
But Peter took him aside and began to reprimand him for saying such things. “Heaven forbid, Lord,” he said. “This will never happen to you!” Matt 16:22 NLT
- Jesus rebukes Peter for trying to run His life in an attempt to “save Him”.
Jesus turned to Peter and said, “Get away from me, Satan! You are a dangerous trap to me. You are seeing things merely from a human point of view, not from God’s.” Matt. 16:23 NLT
This happens in committed relationships. Peter is responding from the Left Brain. You can tell because of fear and bravado and he is trying to lead Jesus in the wrong way. Jesus corrects him.
When Peter speaks by revelation Jesus honors his words. When Peter speaks out of fear and bravado Jesus resists him.
Lesson: Listen for and speak the words of God not your own thoughts. When Peter was speaking what God had revealed to him he was speaking from his right-brain as he was relationally connected with God.
When he tries to direct Jesus he speaks from his left-brain logic and reason.
Somewhere during their conversation, he lost that relational connection.
At that point, all the disciples deserted him and fled. Matt. 26:56
- Peter abandons Jesus at His arrest.
He didn’t try to understand Jesus or His mission and motives.
A good friend will seek to understand your view not just impose their view on you.
Jesus is arrested and taken to the home of the High Priest to be interrogated. Peter follows behind, incognito. But a servant girl recognizes him 3x she calls him out.
- 3x Peter denies even knowing Jesus. Last time especially strong.
Peter denied it, and using profanity he said, “I don’t know the man!” At that very moment the sound of a crowing rooster pierced the night. 75 Then Peter remembered the prophecy of Jesus, “Before the rooster crows you will have denied me three times.” With a shattered heart, Peter went out of the courtyard, sobbing with bitter tears. Matt 26:74-75 TPT
Out of shame and regret, Peter runs away. Even when Jesus has risen from the dead Peter hold’s back. Is Jesus really alive, is He a ghost? Peter is confused, so he goes to what’s safe and familiar and something he understands that will give him what he wants. FISHING.
But Jesus pursues Peter, even though He is the one wronged.
He finds Peter out fishing and he fixes breakfast for him and the other fishermen.
- Jesus confronts the issue and he and Peter talk.
Jesus’ goal is to restore His relational connection with Peter. Such incredible humility. No pride, no ego, LOVE!
How, many times have we thought, “if they come to me, and are really sorry, then I would forgive them.” But what if they don’t come. How long will you carry this pain?
After breakfast Jesus asked Simon Peter, “Simon son of John, do you love me more than these?”
“Yes, Lord,” Peter replied, “you know I love you.”
“Then feed my lambs,” Jesus told him. John 21:15
The keyword in this interchange between Jesus and Peter is the word love. Ancient Greeks had four words for love, storge = family love, eros = marital love. Phileo = friendship. Agape = unconditional love.
Jesus repeated the question: “Simon son of John, do you love me?” “Yes, Lord,” Peter said, “you know I love you.” “Then take care of my sheep,” Jesus said. John 21:16
Same question, same response.
A third time he asked him, “Simon son of John, do you love me?”
Peter was hurt that Jesus asked the question a third time. He said, “Lord, you know everything. You know that I love you.” Jesus said, “Then feed my sheep. John 21:17 NLT
3x times Peter denied Jesus, 3 x Jesus gives him the opportunity to repent. OR, as Wescott and other scholars, propose the wording is the key to understanding this encounter.
Jesus uses agape and Peter responds with phileo. This is key to understanding the conversation. Jesus is asking Peter for unconditional love and Peter can only offer conditional friendship. Jesus is inviting Peter into grace and unconditional love.
The last time, Jesus switches to phileo and Peter responds with phileo. Maybe everything was too fresh and the pain and guilt were still too strong in Peter. All he can offer is a fragile friendship.
Later this commitment grows into agape. Just read Acts and Peter’s letters (1 Pet. 4:8; 5:17, 2 Pet. 1:7) Peter uses agape exclusively when he tells us to love one another. He developed agape for Jesus and then for everyone.
Most important of all, continue to show deep love for each other, for love covers a multitude of sins. 1 Pet. 4:8 TPT
Jesus starts with where Peter is. If he is still wounded and needs time to heal Jesus will continue to love him forward. Jesus is living and engaging Peter with his right-brain. His left-brain would rationalize, think of himself, protect himself, be defensive. But Jesus is showing love, He never, lost his right-brain relational connection.
All of us can find ourselves stuck in our left brain when we are with others. When my right brain, the relational side, is switched off and this impacts my interactions with you.
How can I tell when my right brain switch is on or off?
When it is off I become…
Dismissive
- I just treat the person as a problem to go away.
- Short, insensitive, won’t seek to understand.
- Inside, I don’t want to take on their pain or problem.
Distracted
- No eye contact.
- I am left-brain listening for problems and when I have the solution I stop listening.
- If I am right brain engaged I will listen for emotions and validate them.
How to keep a relational connection to the person and to God? Engage our right-brain?
Curiosity – Switch to the right brain and get curiosity back on. Think of something to be curious about. Make eye contact and engage. Curiosity leads to creativity.
Appreciation – What do I appreciate about this person? Think back and remember from maybe a list you have put together about the person.
Kindness – What would it look like or sound like to show kindness to this person. Disengage for a moment and think about how to communicate kindness.
How do stay relationally connected when you have to confront someone?
Envelop Conversations. – Dr. Marcus Warner
When I have to talk to you about a problem (confrontation).
- Start the conversation with the history of the good things in our relationship.
- Talk about the problem, not them. Keep it to one issue.
- Describe a vision for the relationship going forward. “I want us to have a great relationship going forward.”
